Welcome to...KILWINNING BOWLING CLUB Inst.1855

We are lookin to view the 'lighter' humourous side of bowling in this section. While i have added a few below myself to get started, please send in any you have so we can all share a laugh!
erik@smartbyname.com

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A lad i spoke to the other day told me that he rang up his local bowling club, he said "Is that my local bowling club?" When they answered, they said "It depends where you're calling from."
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Lead: "How much am i short?"
Skip: "You should know, you're closer to it"
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Advice?
"If your skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".
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I heard this story. You can decide if its True or false?
The story goes that player 'A' (the third) collapses on the green just as player 'B' (the skip) is about to let go of his bowl. the others call out to 'B' to stop. 'B' has a look and responds with "Its okay, i can draw round him!" The claim is that 'A' heard this and this is what gave him the will to survive his heart attack.
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A well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. "Where's our nearest bool?".
"In yer ******* hand!" answered the skip.
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Q: how do you spell skip?--------A: G.O.D
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A NOTICE ON THE CLUB HOUSE DOOR.
Would however borrowed the ladders from the club house,
Please bring them back, or further steps will be taken!
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The lady president had just left the club, and was getting into her car, when this bloke says to her,
" can you give me a lift?" She said "sure.....you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it."
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The local police arrested two old bowlers leaving the club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
So they charged one and let the other one off.
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A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP.
We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories,
Why not bring along your wife and get a wonderful bargain!
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FRIENDSHIP.
Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. he had passed to green's anew
just last year,and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he sort the help of a medium,
who agreed to try and make contact with Joe.So the next evening, after the usual formalitys
contact was made, and this is how it went !.
Hi Bob, said Joe.
Whats it like up there, asked Bob?
Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like, replied Joe.
That's good news, said Bob!
No! said Joe, good news is your skipping FRIDAYS TRIPLES !!!!!
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THE TEAM.
The lads had arranged to have a practice bounce before the big match,
sunday morning was chosen, and they all arrived on time except Fred.
When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"what kept you ?"
Well " It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Fred replied.
" That shouldn't have taken long ", said the skip.
" Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".
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GRUMPY.
I woke up this morning and felt "grumpy",
but I soon changed my mind and decided to let her sleep.!
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SWOPS
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week !
Best deal I have made in years.
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TO WIN
" It matters not whether you Win or Lose;
What matters is whether I Win or Lose"
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TRYING
" If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.
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PERFECTION
Can Someone tell me why,
"If practice makes perfect", and as we know nobodys perfect,
Why bother to Practice ?.
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THE ODDS
"Remember, the world is a big place.
Even if you are a Bowler in a million,
It means there are a 1000 more like you around the world.
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THE THINGS THAT BOWLERS SAY

While walking past the bowling green one sunny summers day
I stopped to watch, survey the scene, of bowlers at their play.
The conversation in between is where my interest lay,
They sounded anything but clean, THE THINGS THAT BOWLERS SAY.

"GIVE ME THE LENGTH, AND DON'T BE SHORT"one lady bowler said,
"I WANT IT UP THE MIDDLE HARD, TO TRY AND BURST THE HEAD",
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO BURN IT, BUT YOU MUST AT LEAST ATTACK",
"DON'T WORRY IF YOU MISS THE PORT, I'VE GOT ONE AT THE BACK".

"HIS BOOLS ARE TO WEEL CLUSTERED, THEY NEED A HEAVY CLOUT"
No wonder she looked flustered as she went to lift them out,
"I'M FAR TO TIGHT" the lady cried her face was frought with grief,
Her husband quietly turned aside, his face showed disbelief.

Embarrassment encompassed me, my colour must betray
What must be clear for all to see, I couldn't walk away
They seemed so joyous and carefree,how could they talk that way
could my misunderstanding be, THE THINGS THAT BOWLERS SAY.

"BILLS BETTER ON THE CARPET AND HE LIKES HIS LITTLE RUB"
"WHEN MY MAN'S AWAY TO MARKET, MY THAT BILL'S A SUPER SUB"
"HE LIKES FOR ME TO STRETCH IT,THAT EXTRA LITTLE BIT"
"HE'S NOT HAPPY JUST TO TOUCH IT,I'VE GOT TO SIT ON TOP OF IT".

"HE'LL BEAT YOU ON THE MEASURE,YOU CAN PROP YOUR'S UP A BIT"
"HE'LL MEASURE YOU UP WITH PLEASURE AND I BET THERE'S "THAT IN IT"
"I MUST ADMIT THEIR HARD TO GRIP, THOSE LITTLE SHORTY JACKS"
"BILL DOSEN'T LIKE THEM STANDING UP, PREFERS THEM ON THERE BACKS

My mind began to take command, what langusge can convey
that bowlers know throughout the land,expressions which portray
Those shots that had been better planned and often go astray
I now begin to understand,"THE THINGS THAT BOWLERS SAY".

"SHE PLAYS WITH BIGGER ONES THAN ME AND SUFFERS FOR HER SINS
BECAUSE YOU SEE HER HAUN'S TO WEE FOR HANDLING BIGGER YINS"
"BUT BE UP TO IT AND DON'T BE SHY IT NEEDS A GENTLE KISS"
"IT DOSEN'T MATTER HOW WE LIE,IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS"

"HIS CONCENTRATION ON THE MAT IS FAMOUS FAR AND WIDE
THERE'S NOBODY CAN EQUAL THAT McNICOL FROM KILBRIDE
HIS DELIVERY IS JUST DEVINE, HIS ACTION HARD TO BEAT
HE NEVER HURRIES, TAKES HIS TIME,THEN LETS IT GO A TREAT".

My name is in to join the green, I only hope and prey
Amidst those bowlers I'll be seen until I'm old and grey,
For now my aspiration, dream, is not for just to play
But be allowed by law to scream THE THINGS THAT BOWLERS SAY.

Submitted by Iain Boyd
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